Laura’s Infertility Story
“Although it’s been a while since we stopped trying and I’ve come to terms with not being able to have children, it’s something that never leaves you. I still have my moments.”
As a teenager, Laura experienced intense pain during her period. She was put on the pill, which did help, but she still experienced painful cramps. Later in her 20s she decided to stop taking the pill with the intention to start a family with her husband. ‘For one day out of every month, the pain was debilitating. I was doubled over, being sick, going to the toilet, sweating – it was awful.’ The doctor prescribed painkillers which she unfortunately took a reaction to, and although she was given alternative painkillers, they didn’t help much. ‘I gave up and just accepted it must be normal. I didn’t want to address it, as I was so focused on starting a family.’
After 8 months of trying, she knew something wasn’t right and went to the doctor. ‘We both had tests but no obvious cause was found, so we were referred to fertility treatment. It was exciting and scary at the same time.’ During fertility treatment, Laura pushed for more tests including a laparoscopy as she was desperate for more information and thought she may have endometriosis or a cyst, but the tests came back clear. They were recommended to begin IVF.
Starting IVF
‘We were both excited to start IVF, especially my husband, as I remember him being sure it would work. On our first cycle, they managed to retrieve eggs, but they failed to fertilise which was devastating. I was so anxious that we’d be put to the back of the queue again and it would be a long wait before we could try again, however, we were relieved when this wasn’t the case.’
‘There are so many emotions when you go through fertility treatment. There were my own feelings of disappointment but then also guilt, like I’m somehow letting my husband down, or my parents, who might never be grandparents. It’s also sad that close family or friends sometimes didn’t know how to tell me when they were pregnant for fear that it would upset me, but I was always so happy for them and I told them this. I only really felt jealousy when it was strangers, or people I was less close with who were pregnant, that was sometimes really difficult.’
On their second cycle, they underwent ICSI, and managed to make it to the embryo stage. ‘Two embryos were transferred, but I bled and the pregnancy test came back negative. Our consultation afterward was very brief and factual, but there was still no cause and it was unexplained.’
Laura and her husband tried again for a third time, which was their final round on the NHS. Again, they underwent the embryo transfer and on the same day as last time, she experienced a bleed. The pregnancy test result: negative.
Using a donor egg
‘We had a consultation and this time they suggested the reason it hadn’t worked was because of the quality of my eggs. This was the first time this had been suggested so it took us by surprise, and it led to a lot of long conversations and considerations. We couldn’t afford to go privately but my parents stepped in and offered to pay for another round. In hindsight I realise at this point, I think my husband was done, but I really needed just one more try, for closure that we’d tried everything, and we agreed it would be our last round.’
This time they made the decision to use a donor egg which they thought would give them the best chance of a successful pregnancy. ‘We had a counselling session which was a required when using a donor egg. It was awful. All I remember from the session was being asked if I understood the child wouldn’t look like me, and being told it was ethical to have the conversation with our future child about not sharing my genes – I wasn’t ready to be thinking about this conversation with a future child when I wasn’t even pregnant.’
They underwent the transfer with the now fertilised donor egg and went home to start the anxious wait. During this period of time, as with the previous rounds, Laura took time off work to rest as she wanted to make sure she did everything in her power to give them the best chance. She had been open with her boss and her work colleagues about her fertility journey and thankfully they’d been supportive, but she did still feel anxious and guilty for taking so much time off. On the same day as with the previous rounds, she was devastated when she bled again. After the two week wait, she did the test and it was negative.
‘The fourth round hit my husband the hardest and although it was painful, we agreed this was our last. It’s hard because even after we decided to stop trying I couldn’t help but read about IVF processes in other countries which are different, and I always wondered if because I bled on the same day after each transfer there could have been some treatment, like a hormone or something that could have been given at a specific time point which might have made a difference. At the time, I did just trust the doctors as they were the experts. There’s no way of knowing if things would have been different if I’d pushed, but it was a long time ago and I feel I’ve come to terms with it.’
Stopping IVF
After stopping IVF, for a while, Laura did sometimes let herself think that even though it was near-impossible, there might be a miracle and they may conceive naturally. However, she picked a specific age where she decided to draw a line under it and try to move on completely which she feels helped her.
‘Now we are incredibly close to our nieces and nephews and regularly have them to stay over, and I’m grateful for this relationship. Sometimes when they leave, my husband will make a joke about how tiring it’s been and thank goodness they can be given back, and years ago that type of comment would have broken us, but now we’re able to laugh. I think it is important for people going through a similar experience to consider what life might be like if the treatment doesn’t work, as it is a possibility.’
‘My advice for others in a similar situation is to check in with your partner, if you have one, to make sure you’re on the same page. And tell people about your experience as you do need a support system around you. Sometimes it’s even a good idea to tell people you’re not as close to, as sometimes you can be more honest with them than if it’s someone like a family member. The most important thing I would say is if you feel like something is important then speak up and make sure you are being listened to.’
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